RELATIONSHIPS: CONFLICT RESOLUTION WITHOUT WORDS
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours
trying to "work out problems." Yet over and over again they
often come up against a major roadblock: they just don't see
things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how
hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and
understood.
While there are some couples that just naturally see things
the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing
things through the other person's eyes. What often happens
when they "communicate" is that each person tries to get the
other person to see things his or her way. Instead of
solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how
the other person sees things. This often leads to more
conflict and frustration.
While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating
over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of
resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.
This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than
talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that
may make a world of difference in your relationship.
LOVING ACTIONS
1. Choose to be compassionate toward yourself and your
partner rather than choosing to judge yourself or your
partner.
Judging yourself and your partner will always lead to more
conflict. Choosing to compassionately care about yourself
and your partner can totally change the energy between you,
even without words. If you believe that you or your partner
are bad or wrong for your feelings, behavior, or point of
view, then you will not be able to let go of judgment. You
will move toward compassion when you understand and accept
that each of you has very good reasons for your feelings,
behavior, and point of view. Try compassionately accepting
yourself and your partner and see what happens!
2. Choose to practice self-discipline in terms of saying
nothing rather than behaving in an inflammatory way toward
your partner.
Practice zipping up your mouth! Practice letting go of
having to be right! Practice walking away from a conflicted
or heated situation, rather than jumping into the fray in
the hopes of winning. If you look back, you will see that no
one wins when both people are trying to control with anger,
blame, explanations, debating, defending, lectures, or
compliance. However, if you choose to walk away, walk away
with love and compassion – intent on taking loving care of
yourself rather than punishing your partner. Walking away in
anger is just another way to control.
3. Choose to accept that you have no control over your
partner's feelings and behavior, but that you have total
control over your own actions.
It is much easier to let go of trying to control your
partner when you move into acceptance regarding who your
partner is. Trying to change your partner is a total waste
of energy. Changing yourself moves you into personal power.
4. Choose to take loving care of yourself in the face of the
other person's choices.
You will find yourself wanting to talk about problems when
you see yourself as a victim of your partner's choices.
However, when you accept your partner for who he or she is
and accept your lack of control over your partner, you can
then see your way clear toward taking loving action in your
own behalf. Asking the question, "What is the loving action
toward myself right now?" will lead to ideas of how to take
loving care of your self. Asking, "If I were an enlightened
being, how would I be acting right now?" will open the door
to creative ways of taking loving care of yourself.
Loving actions are actions that support your own highest
good without harming your partner. For example, if you are
tired of often being frustrated and rushed because your
partner is generally late leaving for an event, you might
decide to take your own car each time your partner is not
ready on time. While your partner might not like your
choice, your action is not harmful to him or her. It is an
action that stops the power struggle and takes care of your
self.
Letting go of trying to change your partner and taking
loving action for your self are the keys to conflict
resolution without words.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
More Family Articles | |
|
